It's been hell of a exam period. 4 papers and birthday surprises to mark the start and the end of papers!

It all started with Nikki's birthday; was dreaming about a surprise party and I wondered who would even want to celebrate mine with me. It was a pretty depressing thought, honestly, given the fact that I had not been spending much time outside school work and I felt like I was drifting away from my friends because of the immense amount of time I spent on my work :(

My wild imagination wondered who I would invite to my non-existent birthday party. Would Group X be invited? Would Group Y be invited? Would i want to invite some people in Group Z, and not invite the others? And then practicality would always reason out the fact that birthday parties were but awkward social events that hardly anyone enjoys themselves at (save a few of course; there are always exceptions to the rule).

And then came Study Week. My FIIM group wanted to have a nice dinner (on the Friday of break week no less), which i kiiiiiinda was against, given the vast amount of MA I had yet to comprehend. It was a depressing thought. And so, I voted no for the dinner, until S has to tell me that it was a birthday dinner. Oops. So I dressed up (or just wore a dress), and they tied balloons all the way down the concourse. I didn't know how to feel at that time. It was kind of a mix of surprise and 'oh my god' and it kinda felt like I wasn't in the moment? How do you even describe this. I didn't know how to react. I don't know how to react to surprises. It's like you want to capture the moment for eternity; yet you kinda wanna live in the moment at the same time. And you want to react to make people who planned the surprise happy, and show that you really appreciate what they've done. But I prefer to sit in quiet contemplation to absorb the appreciation. I don't know how to show people that I'm happy.

ANYWAY,

They lead me all the way to Kickstart, and PACMAN was there. That was a major OMG moment. Totally didn't expect them in my wildest dreams. With finals and the guys on exchange, I wasn't really expecting much, honestly. That was the moment when I somehow came back to living in reality and it hit me that I actually had friends that bothered enough to come down and celebrate my birthday. I really really felt so lucky in that moment. 'the king of the world' as described by OneRepublic's 'Dreaming Out Loud'. It honestly surprised me that I meant so much to them. Was really very touched.

And then Weis, Cass and Shan popped out with the cake halfway through, really appreciated their presence, and the fact that they took time off to come and surprise me. Kinda knew about them though because I heard Nikki talking to Weis over the phone (but this slipped my mind after the Pacman surprise).

I've wanted to blog about this since then, to analyse my feelings about this whole birthday surprise thing. I feel blessed and contented, yet I feel so troubled. I don't feel that I deserve this. I haven't exactly been the kindest of souls, I haven't been the best project mate. I haven't been the best friend who was always there, and I haven't been the nicest person. Why were they so nice to me? It feels like a burden, because I don't know if I can give back what they have given to me. They have showered me with so much love, yet have I reciprocated? I don't really know. I haven't done anything out of the ordinary, been my usual selfish self. All this was pretty unwarranted. How do I show my appreciation? How do I show that I really appreciate what they've done for me? I really don't know. Up till this juncture, I'm still kinda stuck and I feel appreciative yet burdened. This is really contradictory.

And then exams came. It was surprisingly more manageable, despite the fact that I felt less and less productive after each passing day. Sitting with friends and chatting and taking the occasional break to Watsons, I believe this has been my slackest study break yet.

Yet, studying was enjoyable (excluding the occasional reminder of looming finals and level of preparation or un-preparation I was at). I really had fun studying, talking, learning. Perhaps it was because the modules this semester were more interesting, perhaps it was the company. Nevertheless, it was a pretty good study break. Finals came and went, I screwed ethics pretty badly. Felt so disappointed with myself, because I actually really enjoyed this module and I was hoping to score for it. The others were relatively better (but then again, relative doesn't really say much).

Today, there was the planned FTBOC dinner. Finished up Behavioral Finance, and went to ICA to collect my passport. It hadn't really hit me yet that exams were over and done with. I guess it takes quite a while to sink in. Brought my stuff for the supposed sleepover and my bag was huge. Alongside the stuff I wanted to pass to Kristie for the donation, I had like a million things to carry. Made our way to Gab's place (Moses, Jethro and I), and they surprised us (Moses, Joel, SK and I) with a cake after dinner! Was really unexpected and sweet of them <3 also="" and="" awesome="" because="" buy="" cakes.="" charades.="" chocolate="" continual="" dabao="" dessert="" didn="" fetch="" for="" fun="" gladys="" go="" having="" headed="" heads="" her="" i="" insisted="" insistence="" kristie="" much="" nbsp="" over="" p="" place="" really="" so="" t="" that="" the="" this="" to="" up="" upon="" want="" was="" we="" went="" which="" with="" would="">
When Victor dropped us off at the cafe, INDANCITY was there! I got such a shock and I totally didn't know how to react. It was another speechless moment (seems like I have had too many this year). It really didn't register that I just hopped from one surprise to a next; took quite a while to sink in. And the fact that I react badly to surprises just didn't help. I just blanked out for quite a while. The idea that so many people would come together just to wish Shan and I a "Happy Birthday" was inconceivable. Shan is such an nice and sweet individual, I was pretty sure people would turn up for her. For myself? I don't really know. Knowing myself, it's kinda hard for me to acknowledge the fact that people THINK I'm nice. I'm not a nice person. I honestly don't know why people think I'm nice. I look back at my actions, and all I see are the actions of a person acting in his/her self-interest. I wonder whether I was a second thought, and I don't want to think about it.

These doubts constantly creep into my mind. I think I think too much. But it has been, and will be my best birthday as of today (with hopefully even better ones to come). What a depressing post. It was supposed to be happy. Haha.

Irony.