It's been hell of a exam period. 4 papers and birthday surprises to mark the start and the end of papers!

It all started with Nikki's birthday; was dreaming about a surprise party and I wondered who would even want to celebrate mine with me. It was a pretty depressing thought, honestly, given the fact that I had not been spending much time outside school work and I felt like I was drifting away from my friends because of the immense amount of time I spent on my work :(

My wild imagination wondered who I would invite to my non-existent birthday party. Would Group X be invited? Would Group Y be invited? Would i want to invite some people in Group Z, and not invite the others? And then practicality would always reason out the fact that birthday parties were but awkward social events that hardly anyone enjoys themselves at (save a few of course; there are always exceptions to the rule).

And then came Study Week. My FIIM group wanted to have a nice dinner (on the Friday of break week no less), which i kiiiiiinda was against, given the vast amount of MA I had yet to comprehend. It was a depressing thought. And so, I voted no for the dinner, until S has to tell me that it was a birthday dinner. Oops. So I dressed up (or just wore a dress), and they tied balloons all the way down the concourse. I didn't know how to feel at that time. It was kind of a mix of surprise and 'oh my god' and it kinda felt like I wasn't in the moment? How do you even describe this. I didn't know how to react. I don't know how to react to surprises. It's like you want to capture the moment for eternity; yet you kinda wanna live in the moment at the same time. And you want to react to make people who planned the surprise happy, and show that you really appreciate what they've done. But I prefer to sit in quiet contemplation to absorb the appreciation. I don't know how to show people that I'm happy.

ANYWAY,

They lead me all the way to Kickstart, and PACMAN was there. That was a major OMG moment. Totally didn't expect them in my wildest dreams. With finals and the guys on exchange, I wasn't really expecting much, honestly. That was the moment when I somehow came back to living in reality and it hit me that I actually had friends that bothered enough to come down and celebrate my birthday. I really really felt so lucky in that moment. 'the king of the world' as described by OneRepublic's 'Dreaming Out Loud'. It honestly surprised me that I meant so much to them. Was really very touched.

And then Weis, Cass and Shan popped out with the cake halfway through, really appreciated their presence, and the fact that they took time off to come and surprise me. Kinda knew about them though because I heard Nikki talking to Weis over the phone (but this slipped my mind after the Pacman surprise).

I've wanted to blog about this since then, to analyse my feelings about this whole birthday surprise thing. I feel blessed and contented, yet I feel so troubled. I don't feel that I deserve this. I haven't exactly been the kindest of souls, I haven't been the best project mate. I haven't been the best friend who was always there, and I haven't been the nicest person. Why were they so nice to me? It feels like a burden, because I don't know if I can give back what they have given to me. They have showered me with so much love, yet have I reciprocated? I don't really know. I haven't done anything out of the ordinary, been my usual selfish self. All this was pretty unwarranted. How do I show my appreciation? How do I show that I really appreciate what they've done for me? I really don't know. Up till this juncture, I'm still kinda stuck and I feel appreciative yet burdened. This is really contradictory.

And then exams came. It was surprisingly more manageable, despite the fact that I felt less and less productive after each passing day. Sitting with friends and chatting and taking the occasional break to Watsons, I believe this has been my slackest study break yet.

Yet, studying was enjoyable (excluding the occasional reminder of looming finals and level of preparation or un-preparation I was at). I really had fun studying, talking, learning. Perhaps it was because the modules this semester were more interesting, perhaps it was the company. Nevertheless, it was a pretty good study break. Finals came and went, I screwed ethics pretty badly. Felt so disappointed with myself, because I actually really enjoyed this module and I was hoping to score for it. The others were relatively better (but then again, relative doesn't really say much).

Today, there was the planned FTBOC dinner. Finished up Behavioral Finance, and went to ICA to collect my passport. It hadn't really hit me yet that exams were over and done with. I guess it takes quite a while to sink in. Brought my stuff for the supposed sleepover and my bag was huge. Alongside the stuff I wanted to pass to Kristie for the donation, I had like a million things to carry. Made our way to Gab's place (Moses, Jethro and I), and they surprised us (Moses, Joel, SK and I) with a cake after dinner! Was really unexpected and sweet of them <3 also="" and="" awesome="" because="" buy="" cakes.="" charades.="" chocolate="" continual="" dabao="" dessert="" didn="" fetch="" for="" fun="" gladys="" go="" having="" headed="" heads="" her="" i="" insisted="" insistence="" kristie="" much="" nbsp="" over="" p="" place="" really="" so="" t="" that="" the="" this="" to="" up="" upon="" want="" was="" we="" went="" which="" with="" would="">
When Victor dropped us off at the cafe, INDANCITY was there! I got such a shock and I totally didn't know how to react. It was another speechless moment (seems like I have had too many this year). It really didn't register that I just hopped from one surprise to a next; took quite a while to sink in. And the fact that I react badly to surprises just didn't help. I just blanked out for quite a while. The idea that so many people would come together just to wish Shan and I a "Happy Birthday" was inconceivable. Shan is such an nice and sweet individual, I was pretty sure people would turn up for her. For myself? I don't really know. Knowing myself, it's kinda hard for me to acknowledge the fact that people THINK I'm nice. I'm not a nice person. I honestly don't know why people think I'm nice. I look back at my actions, and all I see are the actions of a person acting in his/her self-interest. I wonder whether I was a second thought, and I don't want to think about it.

These doubts constantly creep into my mind. I think I think too much. But it has been, and will be my best birthday as of today (with hopefully even better ones to come). What a depressing post. It was supposed to be happy. Haha.

Irony.

Exco is so bloody tiring.

Especially with the new voting thing going around. It's really bloody insane. Everyone is so worked up.

X want a say, yet cannot make it for the stipulated time. Ruffled feathers everywhere because of the messenger and the way things are being put across. I think most wouldn't have felt so offended if not for the way things were being put across. It feels like we're being pushed to a corner.

It is understandable that X want a say in this, but is it not possible to see where we are coming from too? Exchange is incredibly close and there are so many things to do that we 'cannot' do because we are not in the 'right' roles? I have issues with both sides of the argument, really.

From X's point of view, they want a say, which is a good thing I guess, cause it shows how much the club matters to them and how invested they are in the club. However, can't they see that this 'passion' for the club is holding us back and preventing progress? Points of communication will be disrupted, who will be in-charge? Jobscopes will be so vague and lines of work will be blurred.

From the exco's POV, it is hard to move on without assigned roles, I understand. Many things can't be done properly, with roles so vague. However, is it not possible to get things done? We still can call schools and get approvals right? I don't understand why is it so difficult to get things to move along. We can just continue with our roles and do whatever we can do within our jurisdiction to get work done.

And here I was thinking that being in exco would be a piece of cake.

It's been ages since i last posted, and I feel like so much has changed since then.

I've learnt so much more about myself, and matured quite a bit too in the process i hope.

Hue Hope II

I learnt to appreciate the things and the people around me so much more. The kids really gave me a life lesson I won't forget. I guess there are many things your observe and learn in life, but if no one gives you the opportunity to consolidate and present your thoughts in a digestable manner, many of these life lessons would just fly past us. I loved the sessions at night when we would sit back and reflect. Only when i voiced out my thoughts did i realize what a great impact many situations have had on my life. It's really hard to put it into words.

I learnt to appreciate my family so much more, and appreciate the life i have around me. I'm a really lucky person i guess. No trials or tribulations, not much to worry about other than school. My family is tight-knit and I know they'll always watch out for me. For so many others out there, they don't even communicate with their cousins, and they don't even visit during CNY. It's pretty sad.

Over the course of the trip, I also began to realize that i really disliked people with little or no initiative. It was my first revelation i guess. I never knew that my tolerance level would be so low. Hah. It's even more frustrating when it's menial labor and the guys are the ones slacking. At least they were nice and fun-loving i guess. Did really have quite a lot of fun laughing at the way they poked fun at each other. Despite their lack of initiative, they're a pretty fun & nice group of people. I don't regret getting to know any single individual. Probably with the exception of one.

FTB

I think it all began with FTB, when my people-skills were really put to the test. The people there were so different from people I've worked with in DHS. I really hated the feeling of being in-charge when the team dynamics were so wrong. I feel that it was really hard getting the progs people to work together the way i wanted them to, and I don't know if it was because of me or because of their personalities.

Thank goodness then, for friends that I could talk to and confide in. Really grateful for people that I've learnt so much from: KT, GY mostly. GY taught me that people have different working styles, and have different levels of tolerance. It doesn't mean that because I'm willing to clean the toilets, then others would willingly clean them too. It's not a "one for all and all for one" mentality that some others had, which is very unlike what we had in DHS. Applying what I've learnt from 7 habits (hah), i guess it was because I was self-centered. I did things not out of the goodness of my heart, and i expected gratification. I probably had the wrong mentality to began with, and therein lies the problem.

I also really respected KT's level of calmness in any event. He was steady as a rock and unfazed by anything. I really have a lot to learn. His calmness really helped me to calm down too. That's something i really respect in a leader. I thought i was somewhere there, but I now know that I have so much more to go, and for that, I'm grateful.

Exco

Honestly, I'm kinda caught in the middle whenever i wonder if I regret running for Exco. On the happy side, i really enjoy doing things like brainstorming for stuff for welfare. On the not so bright side, it's just shit work. Really shitty work. And the school's system is stupid. No consolidated assets list. If i didn't have help, I wouldn't know what to borrow from whom. And when i finally figure it out, it's time for handover. (?!) Absence of logic.

And then there's the issue of working with people (again). I really can't stand people who are not proactive. Then why the heck did you run to begin with? It's extremely tiring to work with people whom you have to constantly instruct. And like GY said, if the heart's not in it.. Maybe it's time to go. I don't know whats happening to the exco, but it's not what i envisioned, and it's getting worse. I'm worried about exchange and Beyond. Somehow i have the ominous feeling a lot of things are gonna be pushed to me, and that I'll have crazy lot of stuff to settle. Doesn't help knowing the fact that my window time for work is diminishing. Sigh. Combined with Dance Camp and Internship (which I have yet to find), I'm pretty worried.

"Being Happy"

Reading "Being Happy", I had one main takeaway. It opened my eyes to the poisonous people around me, and showed me how i was being a poisonous friend too. Bitching may be a good way to get conversation rolling, but at the end of the day, it doesn't really get you anywhere. Your friendship, if its based on bitching, wouldn't hold strong. I know that. But sometimes it's what people expect of me (i guess), since I've been such a terrible friend all along. It's hard to kick the habit. I know what I'm supposed / not supposed to do, but it really takes effort to put it into practice.

I also realized how poisonous some of my friends around me were. And it shocked me that quite a few were my good friends too. I realized like how horrible a person i was in the past. Trying to change for the better now, but it's really hard because I hate awkward silences, and I need to find topics that steer away from gossip.


Its 1:17am now, in the early hours of the Chinese New Year. Guess I'll just go crash because there's a lot of visiting to do tomorrow! Shall come here to rant again sometime.